SEX AFTER MARRIAGE, WHERE IS THAT MAGIC BUTTON?
A male friend of mine who’s single, asked me to write this specific topic. Lately, whenever he got together with his married mates, they all complained about their sex lives. Either they are not getting enough, or they are not getting any. Perhaps as a man you view sex as a natural part of life, you have natural urges, it can be a driving force for you to get through your stressful day and you were created to produce offsprings, right?
If you are in a committed long-term relationship or marriage, you are expected to not have an affair but you are scratching your head because your partner/wife seems to have lost their interest in you. Sometimes you feel gone are the days that you were deeply affectionate and couldn’t have enough of each other.
Normally at the beginning of your relationship, you were infatuated with each other and only saw the golden part of one another. However, as time goes by, you start noticing and commenting on the ‘faults’ of your partner, kids come along, dogs come along, financial worry comes along amongst other pressures of modern life.
Your partner may say "No" to your natural urges by saying "I am too tired" (most common reason), “I have a headache” (second most common reason), “Sorry, it’s that time of the month”, “Too stressed”, “No way, the kids normally barge into our bed”, “Oh no, now the dogs come into our bed”, or even worse from the moment of childbirth, the switch button that says "YES TO SEX" has been turned OFF and you don’t know how to find that magic button! Have you started to feel rejected and upset yet? The typical easy way out, maybe to resort to porn or masturbation.
However, to achieve long-lasting solutions, perhaps you can start with the following actions:
- UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM. This is the key to meaningful communication. Listen to her without judgement. Women in general love sharing their problems because they like to ask for support. Men in general love solving problems. This can be a match made in heaven (or in a same-sex relationship there will be one that has more female energy than male energy, vice-versa). The problem maybe that your partner prioritises the kids more than the relationship itself because they are on the top of her values, but without open communication, how are you supposed to know that?
- EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS IN A BALANCED WAY. Allow yourself to ‘feel’ again and stop from holding back your emotions. It is OK for you to cry, (yes guys, you are ALLOWED to cry!) be vulnerable and get angry by truthfully acknowledging how you feel and talk about it to your partner. Please be aware of your language so it’s not about putting your partner down, purely focusing on “this is how I feel”.
- REMOVE THE OBSTACLES. You may need to put the lock on the bedroom door so the kids and dogs don’t come barging at anytime. You may need to educate the kids that Friday night (or whatever day that you choose) is Mummy’s and Daddy’s time so they are not allowed to disturb unless they are really hurt. Perhaps your partner’s hormone level is low for whatever reason, get her checked with a GP or a Naturopath.
- BRING THE ROMANCE BACK. Most women respond really well to being romanced. If you only take 10 minutes to get your ‘gear’ up, your partner may needs 24 hours to get into the mood. We are wired differently! Plan ahead. If you are not the romantic kind, there is GOOGLE. Make it your best friend.
- ASK FOR HELP. If you value your relationship highly, there is a place for a Relationship Coach as she/he can analyse the source of the problem, support and challenge you and your partner and keep both of you accountable for actions that you set to reach your goals. If you are clouded with confusion, frustration, anger, judgement and resentment, you may not be able to see things clearly. But a coach can help you heal and bring the love and intimacy back.
At Health Space, to prepare for Valentine's Day, we offer a gentle way to introduce Relationship Coaching to our clients. The Couple Powerhouse Package consist of 2 couple massage lessons, 3 relationship coaching sessions and The ‘Love Box’ filled with things to create the right ambience leading to your intimate moments. It is only $500 (save $200!) if you purchase the gift voucher before Valentine's Day. It will be the best and most unique gift for the month and for your anniversary.
For more information, please check our Health Space Bondi Junction Facebook page. If you purchase it before Valentine's Day, you will be eligible to enter a competition to win a $400 credit to put towards a Loving Couple Photo Session and artworks with Valent Lau Photography.
Don’t wait until it’s too late, book your session now with Ingrid Galloway, our resident Relationship Coach and Spa Therapist on 9389 0890.